Friday, March 1, 2024

Cancer Progression

After explaining in my previous blog my reluctance in talking about my health, I probably should report that February was a challenging month for me. I began the month with a cold that soon turned into chest congestion. Lots of coughing must have shaken up my fragile lungs enough for some blood to be expelled. I know cancer has already invaded my left diaphragm and I have a few cancerous lung nodules. Plus, the big tumor on my left side is likely compressing my lung. So, I don’t know if the blood was from a viral infection or from the cancer.

Anyway, the bleeding has mostly stopped but the cough has remained, prompting me to have some blood work done. The results showed that I’m now somewhat anemic (not enough oxygen-carrying red blood cells), a common consequence of cancer which grows blood-rich tumors that often leak, as well as interfere with red blood cell production in the bone marrow. This would partly explain my growing levels of fatigue and shortness of breath.

The protruding tumor on my left side sometimes gets bumped, or I may lay on it in a wrong way, resulting in various levels of pain for a day or more. I still have bouts of nausea and other digestive issues. Then there are days where I just feel awful, knowing that such days will only become more frequent. I visited with my oncologist via teleconference a few hours ago and she said she is ready to recommend me to hospice whenever I request it. I told her that I will probably sign on to hospice when I can no longer take care of myself.

But none of this takes away from the peace I have about my condition, and my readiness to exit this world when the Lord chooses. None of it takes away from the joy I have knowing I belong to the Lord, Jesus Christ, and He has prepared a glorious future for me, one I do not deserve. I am sad for those who have no assurance of their salvation, or who even question the existence of heaven. Oh, how dying must be a terrible experience for them. But the Lord God is the one who has opened the eyes of my heart and mind to treasure Him as never before, and blessed me with His wisdom to know Him and to rest in His promises, which never fail.

Cancer is wasting away my body. But the Lord is renewing my joy daily. He is the one who is ultimately in control of my destiny, not cancer, not fate, not me. And that gives me peace.

Thursday, February 1, 2024

A Tale of Two Tables

There were 2 tables. At one table sat the young generation - my kids and my niece. Excitement, laughter, and giggles punctuated their rapid conversation as they discussed the hot topics of that year, 2007, the latest songs, current movies, and other teenage interests. At the other table sat the older generation – myself and a few of my aging aunts and uncles. Moans and sighs carried our slow conversation as each one discussed concerns that were relevant to us… “Well, I think my knees are about to give out.” “My cataracts are so bad I can’t see to drive anymore.” “My arthritis is flaring up again.” “Doc says it’s time to do something about my hemorrhoids.” I couldn’t help but smile at the differences in topics and volume at the 2 tables.

Whenever I talk about my physical condition, I remind myself that most people care very little about what my body is doing, my latest aches and pains, my failing eyesight, or how my digestive system is functioning. However, I know some people read this blog knowing I have advanced cancer and they wonder how I’m doing. In a nutshell, my body is doing much better than I thought it would be doing at this point. Four years ago, when I discovered my cancer had returned, I expected my body to be long in the grave by now, so any condition my body is in currently is an improvement from what I expected.

Still, it’s rather interesting to take inventory. I have one remaining kidney. My pancreas is in bad shape, causing digestive issues. I’m missing a rib that was taken out when surgery was done to remove cancerous lymph nodes. For my eyes, I have either cataracts or Fuchs Dystrophy Disease, not sure which. My CT scans say I have Degenerative Spinal Disease, which translates into a lot of back aches and some difficulty sleeping at night. My prostate is enlarged. I have a growing potato sized cancerous tumor protruding on my left side that is sometimes painful, along with a baseball size tumor in the middle of my abdomen threatening to cause problems in that area. There are several cancerous nodules floating around my mid-section, plus several in my lungs. Those along with the tumor compressing my left lung limits my breathing capacity. As some might say, “Otherwise, I’m doing fine.”

On my good days, I’m able to help Hannah some in watching little Nathaniel and baby Rebekah. Hannah often asks me how we raised her and her siblings when they were this young. This month marks the 17th year Jan has been gone. She would have been so much better at caring for the grandkids and remembering details on how we raised our own. But I do what I can. So far, I’m still able to take care of myself. Hospice care will be reserved for the time when I can no longer do that. The IMB continues to do an outstanding job of taking care of me. I couldn’t ask for better. Although I do have my bad days, I feel fine about not taking any daily medication or undergoing cancer treatment. I’m quite content to have to sit at the second table of ailing bodies. The Lord continues to be the source of my strength. Because of Him, I have no problem finding joy in each day as I await my ‘promotion’.

Monday, January 1, 2024

A Happy New Year

I hope your new year gets off to a very good start. I know not everyone’s will. For some, hurts linger from unresolved conflicts. Some have lost jobs. Housing is unaffordable for many. The cost of living is rising faster than our income. Globally, Europe is embroiled in 2 wars. Political corruption is rampant. The ‘progressive’ culture is increasingly hostile toward Christians. A happy new year seems elusive.

Still, the Prince of Peace reigns. To those who treasure Him, He promises that the turmoil and heaviness of this fallen world will not be our end. Hope remains. No matter how difficult our lives may be or how dark the world becomes, the Lord Jesus Christ is our forever friend who guides us through these tunnels of turmoil and eventually out into the beautiful world of His eternal home. I’m eager for it, and I hope you are, too. Until then, cling to Jesus; He will get you through the hard times.

I was glad to spend Christmas day with most of my family, except for Martha and Philip who celebrated Christmas in Virginia with Philip’s family, and Daniel who was in Tennessee with his family. David and Andrea hosted us in their home. We sang Christmas carols, exchanged gifts, and ate more than we should. Sara still works for Neiman Marcus and Jonathan for Raytheon. My brother and his wife dropped by for a visit.

When I was a child, my family would often travel to Oklahoma to visit my grandparents. My grandfather would usually greet us with a smile and a declaration: “Well, I’m glad to see you but I’m getting old and this may be the last time you get to see me.” He said this over the course of many years, eventually getting it right, but not until he was 92 years old.

For the past 4 Christmases, I think I’ve said that each Christmas would probably be my last. Well, eventually I’ll get it right. I’ve certainly outlived my doctors’ predictions as well as my own. I often wonder why the Lord did not lead me to continue my service in the Philippines, given that my cancer has progressed so slowly, but I’ll leave that in the security of His wise and sovereign will.

Still, my cancer is progressing. The tumor bulge on my left side tells me so. Digestive and breathing issues remain. But no matter how bad the cancer gets, it will not be the end of me. The Lord has guaranteed that. The promise of His presence, the certainty of His love, the fullness of His joy, and the living hope of Heaven means that, regardless of how difficult our lives may seem or how dark the world becomes, every year can be a happy one.

Friday, December 1, 2023

Bethlehem Days

When God chooses to favor you, your life will look very different from what you expect. You may hope for extra blessings, long life, special privileges, or even prosperity. But my experience has been that those whom God favors suffer more. We could cite the Biblical examples of Joseph going from the favored son of Jacob to the cold walls of an Egyptian dungeon, or Moses going from the plush household of Pharaoh to the barren desert of Sanai, or Daniel going from the privileges of the king’s palace to the darkness of a lions’ den, or the apostle Paul going from the high status of Jewish society to the lonely confinement of a Roman jail.

Could it be that the result of your present suffering is not because God is absent, but because it’s part of His plan for you? Since it’s Christmas time, let’s look at another Biblical character whose life changed dramatically because she was favored by God. “The angel said to Mary, “Don’t be afraid for you have found favor with God! You will conceive and give birth to a Son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High… His Kingdom will never end!” (Luke 1: 30-33)

What did God’s favor do for Mary? She became pregnant before she was officially married. Other than Joseph, the angel Gabriel didn’t bother to tell anyone else that the child was conceived by the Holy Spirit. Imagine the mockery, shame, and rejection Mary received when she tried explaining to her family and friends, “But God caused this!” The punishment for pregnancy out of wedlock was death by stoning. Joseph probably took Mary on the 80-mile arduous journey to Bethlehem for her protection.

Well, surely if this was ‘the Son of the Most High’, then His birth would be glorious. Instead, Mary, while at the end of her pregnancy, had to ride several days on a donkey along rocky terrain. Because there was no room at the Inn, Mary had to give birth in a dark and smelly animal cave, no diapers, no midwife, no hot water. Don’t you think there were many times along the journey and in the cave when Mary wondered, “Is this child really God’s Son? Maybe the angel vision was just a dream?” Mary and Joseph didn’t know that future generations would celebrate their humble story with songs and manger scenes. At the time, they didn’t have a clue what was happening. When we are under God’s favor, life can sometimes go from bad to worse. What we don’t see is that God is carefully giving birth to His eternal purposes for you that require a steadfast faith to see.

But then Mary and Joseph receive word that Herod wants to kill their newborn baby. Imagine the dread Mary feels on the road to Egypt when she hears that every baby in Bethlehem has been slaughtered because of her child. She must now raise her child in a foreign land. Eventually, after returning to her homeplace, Joseph dies, and Mary is left alone to raise her family. Being favored by God often looks like others are being blessed instead of you.

Now, imagine the heaviness of Mary’s heart when she’s crying at the foot of the cross where her lacerated Son hangs nailed, bleeding to death, mocked by soldiers, and abandoned by friends. Maybe she questions, “Didn’t the angel promise me that ‘His Kingdom will never end?’” Being favored by God often involves hurt, confusion, doubts, and lots of grief. But these dark times could be evidence that you are actually in the middle of God’s will. It wasn’t until days, weeks, and months later that Mary began to see God’s plan with clarity and amazement.

When God takes control of your life, you will have your Bethlehem days when nothing makes sense, when God seems absent, and when despair threatens to take over. How could you possibly be favored by God? This is when you need the eyes of faith to see that you were born-again into a spiritual kingdom that looks very strange to the people of this world. As you learn to “walk by faith, and not by sight” (2 Cor. 5:7), to “count it all joy when you encounter various trials” (James 1: 2), “knowing it is God who is at work in you to act in order to fulfill His good purpose” (Phil. 2:13), then you can rest with certainty that God will one day bring glory out of your Bethlehem days.

Wednesday, November 1, 2023

Experiencing Joy

It’s been 4 years since I learned about my cancer recurrence, stage 4, terminal, maybe just months to live. Then something amazing happened that I still can’t fully explain. About a week after my diagnosis, God poured into me an intensity of joy that hasn’t let up. This joy is real, it’s without pretense, it’s genuine, it’s wonderful, and maybe it’s one reason the Lord has kept me here so I can keep telling others about it.

The basis of this kind of joy is obviously not my circumstances. Cancer is painful. It steals away strength. It breeds helplessness. It can be expensive. In addition, there are a multitude of other circumstances that can threaten joy, such as family conflicts, betrayal, personal failures, or financial loss. Think of the many Israeli families who now live with the reality of their loved ones captured, tortured, raped, burned, even beheaded by Hamas terrorists. Those who seek happiness in their circumstances rarely have it for long.

Yet the Bible often speaks of experiencing joy in the midst of trials and afflictions (2 Cor. 7:14; 8:2; Phil. 2:17-18; Heb. 10:34; James 1:2). Even when Jesus was just hours away from the agony of the cross, He expressed joy (John 15:11; 17:13; Heb. 12:2). How can this be? If you think the answer is something like loving God more than anything in this world (isn’t that what you expect a missionary to say!), then you are absolutely right. You cannot find this kind of joy in the world; it only comes from the Lord.

Assuming you know you belong to the Lord, then cherish these truths with me. Before creation, God chose YOU as His precious treasure (Eph. 1:4), He promised to work toward transforming you into the likeness of His Son, Jesus (Rom. 8:29). At some point, God opened your spiritual eyes to see Him in such a way that changed your life (2 Cor. 4: 6-7). He gave you His Spirit who works in us that which is pleasing to Him (Phil. 2:13). He has made many incredible promises to those who belong to Him, including a glorious eternity that greatly lessens the sting of present-day suffering (1 Cor. 4: 16-18). He has promised He will not allow any trial to befall you, in which you can not only endure it by His grace, but also find joy in it (2 Cor. 9:8). If these truths make your heart sing, then you likely know, by experience, the joy of the Lord.

Of course, our initial emotional response to adversity will likely not be joy. We have to fight for joy when we face grief, hurt, sickness, discouragement, fear, even agonizing pain. The key, for me at least, has been to see how God is using the adversity to conform me to Christ. There are many examples from Scripture and from life when God uses adversity to teach us to love the unlovable, to show mercy on those who repent, to forgive the harshest sin, to have compassion on the weak, to wean us from the grip of greed, to build our hope and our life around that which counts for eternity. 

Each time we grow in mercy, compassion, forgiveness, love, contentment, humility, and wisdom, we are experiencing the Holy Spirit at work in us, doing what we cannot do ourselves. That’s when we learn that this kind of joy is not a concept or a philosophy, but a Person – the Holy Spirit Himself! When we see God, by His Spirit, at work in us to make us more like Him, then His presence in us IS the joy that not even cancer can eat away. “If we love each other, God lives in us, and His love is perfected in us. We know that we live in Him and He lives in us because He has given us His Spirit” (1 John 4:12-13). “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may be in you…” (John 15:11).

Sunday, October 1, 2023

Imagining Heaven

When my kids were young, I used to encourage them to imagine what Heaven was like. I wasn’t aiming for theological accuracy, I was aiming for joy. “What would make you the happiest,” I would ask. I recall one of my kids answering, “Heaven would be having all the Lego blocks in the world so I could build anything I wanted.” My reply was always, “Whatever you imagine Heaven to be, it will be many times better than that.” Does not Scripture tell us, “…no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him” (1 Cor. 2:9).

Of course, the qualifier is “for those who love Him.” Much should be said about what it means to ‘love Him’ (see my March 1, 2021 entry: Scoundrel Joe). Too many people want to believe that just about everybody goes to Heaven, but Jesus said the opposite in Matthew 7, “…the gate to hell is wide and the road that leads to it is easy, and there are many who travel it. But the gate to life is narrow and the way that leads to it is hard, and there are few people who find it.”

But I assume most of my readers here have settled the certainty of their salvation and are ready to enjoy “setting your mind on the things of Heaven” (Col. 3:2). In Randy Alcorn’s book, Heaven, he explains that the Bible tells us some things we can be certain about Heaven, such as “…no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain…” Then there are many verses in the Bible that give us clues about Heaven, such as “…the wolf will live together with the lamb…” Then there is much we can speculate about Heaven, knowing the nature and character of God.

So do it! Open your Bible and imagine what Heaven will be like. Will we know each other? Yes! Will we have an immortal body with amazing abilities? Yes! Will Heaven be beautiful? Absolutely, beyond what our mind can imagine (picture immaculate gardens, towering waterfalls, majestic mountains, colorful forests, white beaches, and incredible skies)! Will we be perfect? Yes, no more greed, envy, lust, anger, selfishness, pride, etc. Will we work and be creative? Yes, but our work will be immensely fulfilling and the universe will be our canvass for creativity. Will there be animals in Heaven? Yes! We will walk with the lions and run with the horses. Will our favorite pets be in Heaven? Why not? Wouldn’t it be like God to make that a part of our happiness?

Earlier last month I had about a week where I felt miserable. The side where my primary tumor continues to grow was hurting. I had some difficulty breathing. I asked the Lord to let me write at least one more blog where I can thank my dear readers for their faithfulness in praying for me and my family through these many years. Then I got better and it looks like I may be able to write at least a few more blogs. Still, I am so grateful for your partnership in my life’s journey. Regardless of where you are along your journey, if you love the Lord, Jesus Christ more than life, then join with me in imagining the glory that awaits us when this journey ends and the new one begins!

Friday, September 1, 2023

The Best Is Yet to Come

“I can shrink those tumors”, claimed my new oncologist in Tyler, Texas. “Combining oral medication with targeted I.V. therapy, we may be able to delay your cancer progression for a few years.” I thanked her for her concern but restated my decision not to do treatment because of the cost involved. My mission organization is self-insured. The cost of just one month of treatment could pay the monthly salary for two single missionaries.

“I understand your concern”, she continued. “But some drug companies have benevolent programs for those who cannot afford the medications or whose insurance will not pay the cost.” I assured her that my mission organization has offered to cover any cost for my treatment, but it was my decision to decline their offer. (God may lead others to do treatment. Each case is different.)

I then explained to her, “I am a believer in the Lord, Jesus Christ, and I am excited for heaven. Besides, it doesn’t make sense to me to take money away from mission work just to keep me out of heaven a little longer.” She consented to my wishes and then we reviewed my latest PET scan results.

My largest tumor surrounding and invading my pancreas has grown to 3 x 5 inches, about the size of a potato. It partially protrudes from my left side and causes me some discomfort and occasionally some pain. The first week of August was especially uncomfortable and I finally took some of my prescription pain medication. A somewhat smaller tumor is filling my abdominal area and is now pressing against my small intestines in two places, a potential problem. I have other nodules around my spine and in my lungs that have progressed in size since my last scan a year ago.  Other areas are suspicious for metastasis.

My oncologist is surprised that the cancer has not grown faster, considering its type and grade. But I would be naïve to think that I can go much longer without experiencing serious complications. Still, I’m grateful that on most days I can help Hannah with Nathaniel and Rebekah. (Rebekah is doing great and Hannah has just about fully recovered from her amazing birthing experience. See previous blog.)

Best of all, I continue to rest in the assurance that God holds my life in His hands. He has pre-determined the day of my ‘promotion’. He has taken away all fear and anxiety. He has poured out His peace in my heart. He has blessed me with joyful anticipation of heaven. I smile at the future knowing the best is yet to come.