A Distant Grief

My decrepit, rickety, and ramshacled old body somehow made it through another 30 days. I’ve had some days this past month when I felt the end was near, and other days when I felt I could limp along a while longer. Whether or not I make it to Sara’s wedding will depend on how I’m feeling the morning of. I’ll give a brief update here on Aug. 4 if I made it or not.

In a discussion about Heaven, R.C. Sproul gave an illustration. He had one audience member stand at his extreme left, representing Adolf Hitler, the epitome of evil. He had another member stand at his far right, representing Jesus Christ. Then he asked, “Where would you place yourself on this continuum?” Most naively placed themselves somewhere near the middle. “Where would you place the Apostle Paul?” Most placed him somewhere near Jesus.

Then R.C. responded, “All of you have a very unBiblical, conceited estimation of your own sense of righteousness. You also have a very shallow understanding of God’s holiness. If you fail to place yourself inches away from Hitler, along with the Apostle Paul, then you fail to comprehend your total depravity, as revealed by the Scriptures (Romans 3:10-12; Eph. 2:1-3).” Once we understand our own degree of depravity and God’s perfect holiness, what remains is not why God chooses to save some and not others, but that He would choose to save anyone at all! Oh, what amazing grace!

In relation to Heaven, imagine God transforming us and qualifying us to stand near Jesus, to share in His holiness (2 Peter 1:4). Imagine in Heaven, living with others in perfect kindness, gentleness, compassion, generosity, humility, and joy. Add to that the unstained beauty of Heaven and we have the perfect recipe for unending happiness. What’s going to be better than all the heavenly gardens, waterfalls, forests, and meadows of our eternal home is being released from this body of sin and purified to stand next to Jesus!

But to get there, I have to first get through this cancer. It’s probably going to get a bit rough at times, especially when I have to struggle to breathe. More pain will likely be involved along the way. But I imagine that once I stand near the Lord in His holiness, the cancer will be nothing but a distant grief buried forever beneath mountains of unrestrained joy. That’s a lot to get excited about!

August 4

Because of all your prayers, the Lord gave me an extra measure of strength to attend Sara’s wedding and even walk her down the isle. I also had strength to mingle with the many attendees. Thank you, again, for praying. 

That Day

June came and went. Sara continues to make wedding preparations. Martha is loving her new job. Jonathan made it back safely from Norway. And I’m still alive, I think. New breathing difficulties emerged along with liver problems. I would love to make it to Sara’s wedding, but most days I just don’t see how I can.

Sara’s wedding is 5 weeks away and I can barely stand up for 5 minutes without needing to sit down. The default position for my many tumors is reclining. That’s the way I sleep. Standing makes the tumors shift around and creates a lot of discomfort and difficulty breathing. Plus, the wedding is over 3 hours away and I haven’t left the house in 4 months. But, we’ll see what happens. I guess it’s OK to hope.

To be honest, I cried a little today. I thought too much about the present - things I can no longer do. I might not be able to attend my daughter’s wedding. I can’t play with the grand-kids like I used to. I still prepare my food, do my laundry, and keep my room clean. But these tasks are becoming increasingly difficult. I dread the day I can no longer take care of myself. I would be grateful if the Lord took me home before that day comes. But that’s in His hands.

Yet, when I look beyond that day, to the day the Lord’s angels lift me heavenward, the excitement remains. For all that awaits me, for all that I will be delivered from, the thought of finally being with the Lord in His Heaven fills me with joy. Despite all my physical discomforts, the Lord has whispered His presence with me and He gives me peace. Whatever happens, whenever it happens, my trust is in the Lord. Now, if that peace can just get me through these next several weeks!

Caroline

Caroline Grace Kellogg made her entry into the world on May 5, 10 days early. She weighed in at a healthy 8 ibs, 5 oz. Daniel’s mother was kind to stay with us for a couple of weeks while Hannah took care of her newborn. Siblings Nathaniel and Rebekah are happy to have a new sister. Hannah will need lots of prayers as she manages a household with 2 toddlers and a baby.

Sara announced her engagement to David Breitling with a wedding date set for 2 pm, August 3. David is chief tech officer for a company that does personnel background checks for various organizations. David has a strong and growing relationship with the Lord, Jesus Christ. He has never been married, has high moral standards, and is very active in his church. I’m grateful that the Lord has kept me alive long enough for me to get to know David.

Martha has a new job working at a doctors clinic affiliated with partnermd.com - focusing on quality proactive health care with an emphasis on prevention. She will use her nursing and functional medicine skills as a ‘health coach’ to patients. The clinic is only a 4 minute drive from her house. Philip continues his work at our IMB office, about 8 minutes from their house.

Amazingly, my one child who hates to travel, will be taking a trip in June to Norway. Jonathan will be attending a music festival in Bergen, Norway’s second largest city. He will be part of a tour group along with about 50 others. Jonathan visited me last Saturday, along with David’s family, plus Sara and her David. Jonathan has lost an incredible amount of weight in the past 6 months.

As for me, I’m losing weight, too, but for a different reason! My appetite is very low. I’ve lost 40 pounds during the past 2 years. Digestive and breathing issues remain. I have tumors everywhere, large and small. Surely my time on earth is very short now; my ‘promotion’ could happen anytime.

I was thinking the other day that it would be incorrect to say that Mark has courageously battled his cancer. First, it takes no courage to accept what I cannot change, especially when the change will be for the better. Secondly, each one makes his own decision about dealing with cancer. I never tried to battle this one, but just allowed it to take its course. I had no treatments, no anti-cancer medications, no anti-cancer diet. In the end, I know the cancer will lose. Because God chose me in Christ before the foundation of the world (Eph. 1:4), I will win. Because I have already passed out of death into life (John 5:24), I will win. Because God has prepared an incredible place for me in eternity (1 Peter 1:4), I will win. I am content to let this cancer do what cancer does, because in the end, I will win.

Hospice

I signed up for Hospice care last week. Hospice is a type of health care that focuses on comfort and quality of life for the terminally ill. It began in the U.S. in the 1970’s and received Medicare funding in the 1980’s. Jan was under Hospice care for about a week before her ‘promotion’. Hospice provides a team of doctors, nurses, and social workers for those who are diagnosed with less than 6 months to live and who are no longer seeking curative treatments.

Hannah’s baby is due in a couple of weeks and she needs to focus all her attention on being a mother to Nathaniel, Rebekah, and now Caroline. Although I’m still able to take care of myself, my condition could quickly change at anytime and Hospice can provide immediate care. If my ‘promotion’ doesn’t come soon, I’m going to need help with breathing issues and Hospice has resources for that.

But enough about me. How are you doing? I know many of you have struggles and challenges that you are facing, some far more serious than mine. I’m blessed to know that in the middle of your busy life you take a few moments to read my monthly updates. Just as the Lord has graced me with His joy, I hope you, too, experience the joy of the Lord despite the difficult trials you may be experiencing.

One of my favorite verses is James 1: 2-4… “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance (steadfastness). And let that endurance have it’s perfect result, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.” A trial can produce a fountain of positive results if we seek to know why God allowed it and then respond to it as Jesus would. As a bonus, trials make Heaven look so much sweeter!

I never know when one of these updates will be my last. So, thank you, again, for taking the time to read this. And may the joy of the Lord be your strength.

Heaven's Gate

Well, I thought about giving an outlandish introduction for April Fools Day, but then decided against it. (For my Philippine readers, April 1 is April Fools Day in the U.S. when people often say crazy things or perform silly pranks.) So, instead, I'll share the following...

I was recently asked if I was angry at God for having cancer. I replied that, as Scripture explains, God chose me in Christ before the foundation of the world (Eph. 1:4), He sent His Son to pay the death-penalty I deserve, He has forgiven my sins, He rescued me from hell, He adopted me as His child, He has imparted to me His Holy Spirit, He has shared His wisdom, He has prepared a place in Heaven for me for eternity. How could I be angry? Cancer is my ticket out of this hell-bent world and into my home in Heaven. If anything, I am grateful for the cancer.

Of course, if I didn’t have cancer, I likely would still be in the Philippines doing what I could to make Christ known. But regardless of whatever momentary discomfort or pain cancer produces, “I do not lose heart. Although my body is dying, my inner spirit is being renewed day by day. For this momentary light affliction is preparing me for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison” (2 Cor. 4: 16-17). As long as I stay focused on what is to come, and not on who I’m temporarily leaving behind, my heart is filled with joy.

Yet, I suppose it’s natural to focus on immediate concerns. Cancer doesn’t make it easy to leave this world. I mentioned last month that I made a visit to the ER which included a CT scan. It revealed the following:

Multiple tumors in both lungs. The largest is 73x51 mm, about the volume of a tennis ball, in my left lobe.

Multiple tumors in the liver. The largest is 56x44 mm, slightly larger than a ping-pong ball.

A tumor encases and constricts the renal artery leading to my right kidney. (Left kidney was surgically removed in 2004.)

A huge tumor completely surrounds my pancreas, 120x160 mm, that’s about the size of a large potato. This tumor also encases and constricts the inferior vena cava, the primary vein leading to the heart.

A tumor in my lower central abdominal area is pushing against and constricting my bowel loops.

There are tumors from my neck down my back, including one inside my lower spine.

These tumors would explain my lower back pain, my digestive and breathing difficulties, as well as other issues. With this much cancer, I just don’t see how my body can hold out much longer. For this reason, I want to use this opportunity to thank everyone, again, for praying for me and my family, and following me along in this cancer journey, as well as in our ministry through the years. The Lord has been generous to allow me to hang on this long. Even more generous, as unworthy as I am, by His mercy and grace, to have Heaven’s gate open and ready for me to enter. I’m excited to do so.

(Jude 1: 24-25) Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time, now and forever. Amen!

Smiles And an ER Visit

Things that might be said at my funeral…

“I heard he had a smile on his face when they found him.”
“Well, he sure took a long time to go.”
“Yea, I thought he was going 4 years ago.”
“You know, he didn’t do any cancer treatments.”
“Maybe that’s why he lasted so long. Hahaha!”
“He didn’t even bother to eat all those weird health foods. Just ate whatever he wanted.”
“They said his favorite snack was Peanut M&Ms. Ate them all the time.”
“Well, his initials were M. M.”
“You know, I always thought he was kinda smart and innovative, but now it’s hard to think outside the box when you’re in one!”
“Hey, that’s a terrible thing to say. If you want to be funny, talk about someone else.”
“Ok, my cousin says that just before he dies, he’s going to swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels, then get cremated.”
“A friend of mine said he wanted to be cremated and his ashes put in an hourglass so he could still participate in family game night.”
“Shhhh! Stop it, y’all. The service is about to start.”

Well, just to be clear, I don’t eat M&Ms ALL the time. Sometimes I substitute them with a chocolate chip cookie! Maybe if I had put myself on a strict diet of healthy foods, I would have lived longer. But as Martha once said, that would have a negative effect on my quality of life! Yet, I expect the moment I step into Heaven, I won’t be disappointed with my choices. In the meantime, as one old man said, “I wake up each morning, and if I don’t see candles or smell flowers, I get up.”

Regarding my health, February was a relatively good month, up until the past several days. New pains and a stopped-up plumbing sent me to the ER yesterday. After examining me with a CT scan, they recommended a drastic, quick-fix solution that got things flowing again, at least for now. As I’ve indicated before, I never know if these episodes are ‘the beginning of the end’ or just another dip in the roller coaster cancer ride of highs and lows.

Regardless, the promise of Paradise and the hope of Heaven are precious treasures that bring me peace, especially during difficult times. I’ve done such a good job of describing to little Nathaniel the beauty of Heaven that now he wants to go there with me. I explained that first he must do the task that God put him on this earth to do, to make Christ known to others, through word and deed. If he loves the Lord with all his heart, then he’ll get to Heaven someday and I’ll be there to greet him. For those of us who treasure the Lord, may the reality of Heaven bless you with joyful smiles each day.

Milestones

I couldn’t sleep. In addition to the huge throbbing tumor on my left abdominal area, I now had a new competing soreness on my right side. Neck pain radiated across my left shoulder, then down my back. My pain medication took away my appetite. Nausea wouldn’t go away. I questioned whether I would make it another two weeks.

That’s how the new year began for me. But by the end of the first week, I was feeling better. The past couple of weeks have been comparatively good. But, as I’ve said before, my cancer is so extensive that anything could happen at any time. Still, it’s nice to have some days when I feel relatively good.

A major milestone will happen to me this month. On February 15, I will be officially retired. My nearly 40 years of service with the International Mission Board will come to an end. Actually, for the past 4+ years, the Mission Board has been in service to me. When I returned from the Philippines in July, 2020, the Mission Board was generous to keep me on medical leave. My initial 1 to 2 years of life expectancy has turned into four and a half, so it makes sense to transition me to retirement. I have been super blessed to be a part of this organization. Even though I have felt useless these past 4 years, I will miss being a part of it.

February 8 will mark 18 years since Jan’s promotion to Paradise. I often see her remarkable legacy in the lives of our children and continue to hear about her amazing influence in the lives of her friends. She was much more active during her cancer adventure than I have been with mine. It always puzzles me why God took her first and left me. Maybe Heaven will someday give an answer.

February is also valentine’s ‘love’ month. I put ‘love’ in quotations because I believe most have an elementary idea of what genuine love is. I know I’m still learning. In the New Testament, love is usually connected with a commitment to give (John 3:16) or to sacrifice oneself (John 15:13; Eph. 5:25) for the well-being of others. No mention of romance. I am so grateful that God’s love for me was never dependent on my deeds or performance. It was entirely His gracious choice, for which I will be eternally thankful. I hope your year is off to a good start. May His grace and peace be yours in abundance.